The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
