apparently the secret to your success is patron
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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