Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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