My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
