Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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