when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
