I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just gargled with NyQuil
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
