Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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