Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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