Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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