you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
