I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize