Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
