He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
