The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
