Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
i've created a new STD.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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