I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
