im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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