just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
