if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
