She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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