Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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