I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
