I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
