My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
