did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
