So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
