My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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