Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
