I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So many bounce houses so little time
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
