wrigley field is MILF paradise
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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