Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
