Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
