you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
