My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
