the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
