My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
