I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
