I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
