she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
