My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
