the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
