i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you have to choose: penises or morals?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
