I cut my penus on the lid.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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