I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
