please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize