I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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