you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize