you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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