All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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