but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I forget how to act sober
Randomize