So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
