In the future we'll all be gay
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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