I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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