Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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