Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
