Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize